On Suicide

L’appel du vide. The literal English translation of this French phrase is “call of the void”, and its connotative definition is the urge to impulsively jump off a high cliff or precipice.

I’ve definitely experienced this before—or at least, entertained the “what if I jumped?” question every time I’m in an applicable situation. When I lean over the edge of the rooftop balcony on a 100-meter high apartment building, unnerving thoughts surface: it would be so easy, effortless even, to hook a leg up on the ledge and just…jump. At the most, it would take two seconds—two seconds of impulsive action. It’s not inconceivable to imagine loosing sanity for two seconds and making such a decision.

Let’s consider the call of the void in a more figurative sense. Instead of standing at the edge of a roof, you are pointing a gun at your head, and your finger is at the trigger. Theoretically, if you’re in good mental health, you’re in no real danger: Pulling a trigger is a conscious act. This time, however, it’s not 2 seconds, but a mere half second of impulsive action that stands between life and death. Would you willingly point a gun at your head, wrap your finger around the trigger, and be certain that logic would prevail over madness without even a half-second gap? Yes? We further truncate this half-second gap. The trigger is now an electronic touch screen, and your finger is hovering half an inch above it. Still no chance of accidentally touching it, but can you say for certain you won’t “accidentally” make the conscious, 200-millesecond split decision to send a bullet through your brain?

I don’t think so.

There’s a simple, sinister “allure” to all-or-nothing, instant death. Compared with jumping off a bridge or overdosing on drugs, there’s no period of time between irreversibly committing to die and actually dying. No time for regret or second-guessing. In our extreme, hypothetical touch-screen-trigger case, the physical act of suicide is equivalent to a fleeting decision (Not so for a drug overdose suicide; there are many chances of “backing out” once one starts the process).

Even if you’re just keeping your finger over the screen for 1 minute, I can imagine the thousands of simple feedback loops consecutively coursing through your brain during that time:

 Just drop your finger—you won’t feel anything.
No.
It’s so easy—just a slight relaxation of your index finger.
No.
You won’t even feel guilty.
No.
You won’t ever know you killed yourself.
No.
By the time you touch the screen, you’re dead—the decision to touch the screen won’t even exist.
No.
You won't know.
No.
You won't ever realize it.
No.
You won't know.
No.
You won't know.
No.


It only takes one yes, one brief lapse of judgement. The imp of the perverse calls from the void.